pencil nor pen

quotes by people

2011-12-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

kata teman, "women is the stronger gender". saya ingin sekali mengetahui kalau itu tidak benar. pasti ada bapak-bapak humanitarian selain si ibu kembar. atau para suami dari ibu-ibu di jawa yang dagang di pasar pastinya juga bekerja di tempat lain dan nggak main kartu. dan bahwa nggak selalu "behind every great man is great woman". mungkin si laki-laki sukses sendiri, si perempuan saja yang ke-gr-an. saya cuma ingin tahu, tidak kalanya women is the stronger gender.

nomad

2011-12-19T17:33:00.000-08:00

kadang orang ternyata perlu mengakar juga.

[...]

2011-12-19T17:31:00.001-08:00

looking for a place to call home

Free oreo from my student

2011-11-20T19:28:00.000-08:00

Yay!

Dearest Raga (2)

2011-11-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

Mama mulai sering lagi nih nggak menemani kamu di rumah. Mama hanya bisa berdoa supaya kamu selalu dilindungi Tuhan dan malaikat di mana pun kamu berada. Semoga kamu dikelilingi oleh orang-orang yang menyayangi dan menjaga kamu dengan baik dan penuh perhatian.

Semoga kamu nggak lupa ya sama mama. Karena walaupun kita gak bertemu 24 jam, walaupun ayah kadang lebih jago bikin kamu tertawa, walaupun kadang mama kecapekan kerja untuk mengajak becanda, semoga kamu ingat kalau kamu pernah 41 minggu dalam perut mama, dan kita pernah dan akan selalu berbagi jiwa, raga, dan doa. Dan bahwa mama menyayangimu sebelum kamu ada di dunia. Setiap detik, di manapun mama berada, mama ingat kamu. Mama paling sayang kamu, dan mama akan selalu jadi fans terberat kamu di dunia.

walah lama banget gak nulis blog

2011-11-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

Alasannya:
1. sibuk -- atau sok sibuk
2. main mulu sama Raga hehe
3. suka buka2 facebook daripada blogger
dll

tapi pasti selalu ada keinginan untuk bercerita dan sesumbar, mengugkapkan emosi dan iri hati, dan ini tidak bisa dilakukan di facebook. hehe

oooh household

2011-10-31T01:06:00.000-07:00

ada aja masalah \dengan si mbak. people can be so weird and annoying sometimes, though we try our best to be a good employer. duh, berdoa berdoa. padahal masa-masa seperti ini, aku perlu dibantu, bukan ditambah masalah. :(

wedding band

2011-08-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

the string that binds you, and me, and Raga stays invisible and eternal. people can take away our wedding bands, but our marriage stays forever. we'll get through this just fine. thank you for being my rock, ayah.

Dearest Raga

2011-08-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

Mama sekarang kadang-kadang mesti bekerja. Raga tunggu di rumah baik-baik ya. Kalau Raga ikut ke kantor, takutnya Raga gak nyaman karena di kantor mama gak ada tempat tidur seperti di rumah, atau matras untuk peluk-peluk Bapak Jerapah. Sore atau malamnya kita main lagi ya Nak, juga dengan ayah. Tentu, setiap saat mama teringat Raga. Semoga kamu selalu dilindungi Tuhan dan para malaikat.

mulai bekerja

2011-08-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

Due to poor planning and yesses to everyone, I made more commitment that what I initially planned. As a result, I'm back to the office, if not to teach, then for a psychology test (they might consider me insane), for meeting, to gather materials, etc. Tuesdays and Fridays are usually quick though, or spent at home. I am also lucky to have loose schedule, when teaching I left home at 6 and arrive at 3/4 in the afternoon (while other people have a strict 9-5 schedule). Meanwhile, D often leave to his office at 9 or sometimes 11, so I know my blobby bob is with his dad when not with me. And after 18th, I am free as bird to enjoy Lebaran and spend time with my bundle of joy. So many things to be grateful for.

i hope

2011-07-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

i hope people can forgive me if i become a mediocre who doesn't publish excellent works or forget about what i wrote for my thesis. psychoanalysis wont matter in my country anyway.

Raga 0-1 Month

2011-06-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

Waktunya Raga punya blog sendiri.

Hari Potong Rambut

2011-06-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

Mommy's Note [1]

2011-06-02T03:54:00.000-07:00

Just got a nanny for Raga. And like a mother monkey, I am peeing to mark my territory. And like a lioness, I watch with hawk eye on every touch on my baby.

Oh, this control freak has to loosen up.

Raga's note [2]

2011-05-10T02:56:00.000-07:00

Hari Minggu lalu Raga aqiqah. Alhamdulillah semua lancar. Eyang-eyang, Uti, Mbah Kakung, Bude, Pakde, Om, Tante, Mbak, tetangga semua datang dan membantu. Malam-malam sampai dibantu Mbak Eli bungkus-bungkus hadiah untuk ibu-ibu pengajian. Pagi-pagi ayah, eyang gotong-gotong kursi dan meja. Banyak kado datang. Terasa sekali, semua begitu sayang Raga. Alhamdulillah, Nak, semoga semua doa untukmu hari itu dikabulkan Tuhan.

It's in the mind

2011-05-10T02:48:00.000-07:00

Since forever I've been the smallest, the youngest, the one that never leaves home. And so I made myself to believe that I am the smallest, the youngest, that cannot leave home. I am the aunt that took pictures and play around with nieces and nephew, did not fully imagine what it will be like to have one of my own. And so when life progresses and I am forced to grow up, I am caught off guard. I am no longer just the fun cool aunt. I am the fun cool mom who's starting to build her own home.

Raga's note [1]

2011-05-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

Raga sekarang mulai asik lihat-lihat sekeliling, suka digendong di pundak. Matanya lihat kanan, kiri, atas.

Raga kalau pagi suka tidur lelap, atau terbangun dengan tenang, dan suka diajak main kalau mandi.

Raga suka disisirin, mungkin karena rambutnya banyak. Ayahnya suka gaya Justin Bieber, Mamanya gaya the Beatles. Entah kenapa biar tiap pagi di-shampoo, siangnya tetap ada bau keringat yang khas bayi itu :).

--

2011-04-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

Terima kasih karena sudah menaruh bantal ASI di kepala, berpura-pura kalau itu topi. Atau menaruhnya di leher, seperti turis di dalam pesawat. Agar aku tersenyum.

Terima kasih karena memahamiku dan membantuku memahami diri sendiri.

Terima kasih karena memberiku manusia kecil yang setiap gerak geriknya mengingatkan aku padamu.

Just when i thought it's impossible to love you more, you amaze me. Let's have a fun ride.

Pagi itu

2011-04-26T04:14:00.000-07:00

Pagi dini hari, kamu membangunkanku. Aku dan ayahmu segera bersiap-siap menyambutmu. Berdua, dengan kamu di perutku, kami melintasi jalan dini hari Jakarta, sambil berpikir sebentar lagi kami tidak hanya berdua. Aku menggenggam tangan ayahmu hampir sepanjang perjalanan, saling menguatkan. Mataku melihat Jakarta dini hari dari balik kaca mobil, sambil berpikir betapa aku selalu jatuh cinta pada pagi hari buta seperti ini, sunyi, damai, sepi, seperti alam yang terhenti sejenak, dan semua orang masih dalam buaian mimpi. Maka tepat sekali jika ayahmu ingin memasukan kata 'pagi' dalam namamu.

Dear Raga,

2011-04-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

Halo Sayang, alhamdulillah kamu tiba di minggu ke-41. Mama sudah resah menunggumu, dan mencoba semua cara: jalan jongkok, jalan kaki, jalan ke mal, ganti seprei spring bed. Sampai akhirnya Bude Dini mengajak mama jalan ke Ratu Plaza dan Plaza Indonesia. Lalu malamnya, ayah membantu pijat accupressure yang konon bisa membantu, dan *boing* 36 jam kemudian, 30/03/2011, kamu lahir.

Our roller coaster starts here. And we'll have a fun ride. We love you abundantly, dear.

Peoples

2011-03-27T18:18:00.000-07:00

Minggu lalu ditanya-tanya tentang laporan yang belum disubmit saat sedang makan ayam tulang lunak setelah doctor's visit. Dan sebenarnya laporan itu bukan sepenuhnya salah saya juga. Yah, semoga saya dimaafkan karena sampai sekarang memilih untuk tidak memikirkan hal lain dulu atau karena sulit memberi porsi berpikir untuk hal lain saat ini. Mungkin juga karena memikirkan topik abstrak untuk bidang saya saja sulit, apalagi membuat laporan yang sejatinya bukan tanggung jawab saya sendiri.

Wise words lately

2011-03-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

Trust your body
Trust the baby

Have been

2011-03-17T04:12:00.000-07:00

I have been emailing people asking about applying for housing credits (or do you call it mortgage?). I wonder why I did not take management as my undergrad. Of course if I did, I would be wiser and better at counting and making investments without hesitation here and there.

I have been tidying up my files. Burning unnecessary papers that I had left piling up. Still, it's not over yet. I still kept handouts from my undergrad. I wonder if it is time to throw them away since everything is on-line nowadays and knowledge is just not the same as it used to be.

Tell Me

2011-03-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

Tell me what to think, to do, to feel.
Maryam, Yusuf.

Give me strength and optimism.
Always. Always.
Maryam, Yusuf.

people people

2011-03-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

Mbak I is now re-married with Pak A who worked across the street. I now know that geography is everything -- in this case, where you live/work. Geography also took them places. They went to Bali because Pak A is Balinese, and then Java for of course one of those ceremonies (which I still couldn't grasp why they would want to spend that much money). When I mentioned this to people, interestingly what they asked was whether Pak A is Hindu or Muslim, which is weird because I did not think about it much before -- maybe because her ex-husband had left her for another woman, and so getting married again already filled her up with smiles.

rumah

2011-03-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

dulu bilangnya home is where you are. sekarang, tidak sesederhana itu.

menonton bola bersama misua

2011-03-06T09:49:00.001-08:00

saya: pantes aja kebobolan. kiper yang satu lebih cakep.
d: *bingung*

saya: aduh, aduh. oper. wah wah masuk.
d: orang gak masuk.

d: kok mereka (kiper dan back) pelukan ya?
saya: bilang makasih udah dibantuin.

tiba-tiba

2011-03-06T09:19:00.000-08:00

ingin panscious. mungkin pancake 2 stack dengan es krim rada-rada tiramisu, irisan almond dan saus coklat.

kata-kata

2011-03-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

jadi... siapkan hati.
bisa kapan saja sekarang.

Reading

2011-03-04T08:04:00.001-08:00

I have the pleasure of reading their work for a change. One is about firefly surrendering to mother nature, another an ex-female marine gone mad and went with a bang, another one is about godot turn to goat, and some others are about friendship, affairs, walking down the altar. God, I love reading their work. So happy I am where I am now.

work

2011-03-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Still have a lot of translation to do. I can remember the words clearly "I will try to send it before deadline". Argh, I thought I will need the money. Now, I kinda need to be slothy.

people people

2011-02-24T06:56:00.000-08:00

Mbak R told me that I should figure out a routine to drive my mind away from the anticipation and waiting. But that's her, and she can never stay still even for a breather.

Mbak D told me that my weight is perfect and so I can shed the fat easily after the you know what. And she eats only salad and fruit for lunch (never rice).

Bu M told me that after some time, I would get bored just staying at home. She shared about bringing her children to work. But she has the heart of an angel and a passion in what she does, and a tittle to prove that.

Mbak L told me about the care that I should take during thingies like lammaze classes and maintaining good blood pressure. She reflects to the other bad experiences of other Mbak's.

N screamed at me when I was eating this spicy lidi-like snack. Mbak I also reminded me about the things I cannot eat. M and I sometimes go for preggers lunch out and shared stories and experience.

Well, this just a list to remind me what people say, do, and how they care in different ways. And most importantly is the other positive half that holds my hands at night, share dreams, and talk about what-will-it-look-like, telling me that I am not doing this alone and that everything is good and A-okay.

routine nowadays

2011-02-22T23:28:00.000-08:00

I now have two weekdays at home (which are supposedly use to clean up my room and read). On those weekdays I take a shower very late in the afternoon. Considering that I now have my own heater, you can imagine what a terrible sight I am. During this special days also, I lay down whenever I can and enjoy the dum dum dum in belly.

I let go some other routines and take things slow/ not get overwhelmed at work place. When I reach home at 4 or 5 (yes, you heard me), I immediately fell asleep or eat and then fell asleep. I usually woke up again at 8, eat and than asleep again while waiting d.

I spend time on the scale as well. Wondering, why is it so hard to gain weight despite of my daily habit.

And oh yeah, I think about food constantly.

ingin

2011-02-11T07:55:00.001-08:00

aku ingin terbang ke ujung dunia, membungkus mimpi dengan bubuk tidur malam ini.

hobbies lately

2011-02-11T06:05:00.000-08:00

checking old email
opening old photos
opening old posts about birthdays and muffins and eggs,
late night drives, and funny quotes
thinking about him and soon-to-come-magic

*of course, postponing cleaning the room

experimenting after class

2011-02-11T05:46:00.000-08:00

Pangeran tampan itu menunggu perempuan impiannya di depan altar. Wajah yang dikecupnya semalam. Sosok yang ditakdirkan untuknya oleh bintang-bintang, diberikan kepadanya oleh dewa-dewa.

Saat perempuan impiannya itu mendekat, sang pangeran teringat akan mimpi masa kecil dan janji ibunya bahwa ia akan nikahi perempuannya suatu saat. Ia akan berambut hitam seperti langit malam, bibir semerah bunga mawar, dan binaran sinar mata yang dikaruniai peri-peri. Pangeran kecil itu diberikan janji, yang hari ini akan ia teguk hingga habis benar.

Saat putri cantiknya kian mendekat, ia teringat pada bayangan kelam, penyihir yang menjadi korban pedang saktinya, ringisan para goblin yang menyaksikan, kilatan halilintar di tengah hujan.

Saat di altar, pangeran tampan itu gelengkan kepala, coba hilangkan bayangan horror dari ingatannya. Tapi ia tak bisa. Karena rambut penyihir itu sehitam kelamnya malam, matanya berkilat-kilat kalahkan bintang yang paling terang, dan gincu di bibirnya semerah apel beracun.

1st day in the semeter

2011-02-06T23:48:00.000-08:00

All in all the class went well. Yippee!!

[...] (2)

2011-02-05T07:05:00.001-08:00

Teriakan raksasa membahana seangkasa raya. Ia tahu sebuah janji telah diselingkuhi, kebohongan telah membodohi. Namun ia hanya bisa 'tuk tetap tangisi sosok perempuan yang memperdaya, licik dan tak baik budi. Ia sebenarnya hanya ingin menyayangi. Ia tak tahu, bahwa ia tak pernah ditakdiri untuk memiliki.

[...]

2011-02-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

My thought flutters in the sky like the cloud
Meet the heavenly rainbow and
birds bound to south.
It lingers and play with the sun
and angels, before it decides
to come down and face reality, again.

time

2011-02-05T06:52:00.001-08:00

because, as songs have said it, time stood still when i'm with you.

a bricolage of people [2]

2011-01-31T21:34:00.000-08:00

He drives a custom made mini cooper, dark blue and all. He commutes effortlessly and uses the toll road daily. He calls and text message his girlfriend every 1 PM and 6 PM just because he wants too. He will not need to think about future savings because everything is well-settled by parents, but he aims to make a business one day just to prove himself. He secretly sets short term and long term goals and prioritizes just like Hitler. He (of course) uses an iPhone and (occasionally) an iPad. He does not use a postman bag, but a hardy small backpack instead. He does not use cologne and does not care much about his hair. His favorite attire is a batik shirt with a punk rock T inside. He is a uncle, and a loving one at that. He does not think about marriage yet, but inevitably realize that one day he will have to go through that phase. He is care-free but sometimes like to give witty comments here and there.

what

2011-01-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

what does it mean 'notes on contributors' if i did not contribute?

a bricolage of people

2011-01-25T06:09:00.000-08:00

she wears a pair of wedges, brown and nice. drives a vario to work with a cute helmet. she carries with her an android, and occasionally eats at secret recipe or fish and co. but she mostly eats at the student's cafeteria. her boyfriend calls her everyday at 5, checking where she is. she has a bni credit card and uses it wisely. she uses a postman bag, and save the heavy books in her locker. it's hush puppies. she tries to read at least one academic article each night and pays for the house's electricity bills. she feels warm and light at day, and kind of fuzzy and dreamy at night.

status: occupied

2011-01-25T06:05:00.000-08:00

Yang sedang dibuka di screen saya malam ini:
trailer blue valentine yang lemot, facebook yang stuck, cmmnwlth yang tertunda-tunda, blogger yang sedang diisi, dan artikel seseorang ttg K-pop dalam word.

Internet kurang bersahabat memaksa diri untuk berkutat dengan artikel. *sigh* study study study.

so many

2011-01-24T18:18:00.000-08:00

so many prayers from people lately. so grateful. have to be nothing but positive!

feel so used - says chandler

2011-01-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

give give give... nothing is for me this month.

(profession-wise as always)

today's story

2011-01-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

spent seven hours today doing something that is not my job. thus, my real job is set aside, and i am becoming unimaginably blunt.

sedang berpikir

2011-01-18T05:34:00.000-08:00

sedang berpikir: apa itu artinya 'i love the way you love me'? so do you love the person or not?

-sekian-

ps: hari ini doctor visit lagi. disarankan makan hagen daaz banyak2. :)

purchase purchase

2011-01-12T22:48:00.000-08:00

hmm.. mothercare is having a discount. i wonder if it' okay i buy clothes at this time. suggestions?

Hix

2011-01-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

Hari ini berat badan turun satu kilo. Heran, padahal tadi malam makan di ta wan banyak plus hot chocolate. This is so hard. Plus the guilt. *sigh*

the unplanned

2011-01-11T04:09:00.000-08:00

malam hari kumasukkan dalam amplop dan kusimpan dalam saku. agar letaknya tak pernah jauh dari hatiku. agar degupnya menyatu denganku. agar helaan napasku jadi napasnya juga.

*the control freak falls too deeply. didn't plan this to happen

feeling hot lately

2011-01-11T03:19:00.000-08:00

perhaps it's the bump, but i am sweating a lot lately.

great

2011-01-11T03:17:00.000-08:00

great, just the one time i decided not to come to work for an exagerrated "nggak enak badan" excuse, I got called by big boss. oh, the guilt.

The baby moves to places, i think

2011-01-07T00:14:00.000-08:00

So far, I have gained like 8-9 kilos since month 1. I hope this is a good sign. The baby also moves places, sometimes (like now). Sometimes, it's like a nudge, nudge, elbow and kick to the almost crotch. Sometimes, I think it's trying to swim here and there, but it's not like it's an Olympic sized pool in there. But, it always calms down when the father is giving it a nice rub. I guess his aura of calmness and positivity is that contagious.

Last night I dream that I was about to go into labour, and I said to d 'I'm scared'. And d said 'don't be'. When I told d about this dream, he asked, 'Then what happened?'. I dont know, I woke up because of a cramp. Mystery of the world I guess.

What to do

2011-01-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

I brought some fresh milk with me. Now, this late, I know it's not good anymore. And I am too afraid to wash the tumbler.

Day 5 in January

2011-01-04T19:22:00.000-08:00

And already I feel so tired of being all ears and facing baggages that people expect me to handle. I mean, what the what?! But d told me that when I feel low, just remember that I can say the 2-magic words, anytime. And that I should always ALWAYS concentrate on having the healthy (and stress-free) me and future-it first. But I always know that it is my curse to over-think things (not necessarily overdo things). So, I will have a more 'if they dont care, then i wont'-kind of attitude. And put the exams that i have to mark and papers that i have to start do, first. I hope that they will realize that I am just a human being.

ready.. get set...

2011-01-02T04:00:00.000-08:00

Beyond expectation, the year started off a bit rocky. Not having much to be enthusiastic about for the upcoming week, this morning I called an Mbak just to review and talk about the come what may. She optimistically said, yeah well at the end of this year we will look back and say 'do you remember how this year started, asri?' and laughed about it. No wonder, I thought, with that much thinking-ahead-attitude, she manages to excel and effortlessly affording for her family, bought her brother a mac, and invest wisely at the same time. And so, setting the ugly aside, I want to follow d's advice, and be optimistic. This year (including this month) is going to be my family and me year, a year of utmost happiness and jolliness. I refused to be overstressed and work beyond my capacity. I want to be healthier for me and my family. I want to try baking again and save money. I want to determine my path.

I don't want to sound like overconfident or a 50 year-old who no longer needs to think about savings. I simply want to have things pro-me for a little while, which knowing me, I will still be carrying a baggage here and there and be hard on myself every now and a while. But, I will be baking my own chocolate cake while doing so. Ha-ha.

baking and eating-wise

2010-12-29T03:53:00.000-08:00

Accomplishment so far:
-I ate bakmi GM's Pangsit Goreng (3 starts)
-Egg tart by golden egg bakery (go to Gandaria City or Pasar Modern) (4 stars)
-Warm chocolate cake (which is Delifrance's version of chocolate melt). It costs 10 thousand less than Amadeus. And its is freshly bake (I think) and warm. And they have vanilla ice cream (unlike takigawa who ran out of vanilla ice cream and left me stuck w/ strawberry instead). Minus side was the long wait (45 min more or less and one drink later), and they weren't even packed with customers. (3 stars -- a minus because of the wait).
-I start making chocolate chip orange cake again. And later on want to try to prepared that with vanilla icing and oranges just like martha steward's.

Upcoming things to conquer:
-Making my own chocolate cake as souvenirs during baby's special day
-Making pancake with ice cream, now that I bought that pancake mix
-Wheat croissant that I always wanted (difficult to make, unfortunately)
-Still in search for warm chocolate cake and will rate them accordingly

**oh, it's always easier to talk about baking and food instead of working

to write or not to write

2010-12-28T11:21:00.000-08:00

more particularly, my fear is that i cannot write anymore. meanwhile, we still have that dream project in mind and many years back it was my suggestion to make one project per year. you called me brilliant that day.

email shemails

2010-12-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

so nervous for tomorrow. really hope that there is a reply to my email at least an yes-asri-you-did-not-screw-up. hopefully she realizes that she can still depend on me.

negligence, always

2010-12-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

negligence, always. particularly when it comes to contacting people and things that are not due yet and letting people know somebody's message. i have to stop doing this otherwise i can hurt and let people down. i always blame my ultra busy work X, but soon i cannot hide behind that anymore.

So... [2]

2010-12-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

Tidak tahu harus senang atau lompat-lompat atau justru khawatir
Ketika waktu diperpanjang lagi seperti per.
Tapi mungkin ini membantu saya untuk perlahan-lahan beradaptasi menuju the full slothiness that I am going to venture.

PS: The chocolate chip orange cake was a a bit overcooked last night.

goody news [2]

2010-12-21T08:06:00.001-08:00

the baby kicks when i'm writing.

guilt [1]

2010-12-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

teman saya seperti rejim nazi rajin sekali minum susu. saya jadi merasa bersalah. will try to do better. mungkin dengan koko cruch lebih semangat. *texting:koko crunch di circle K plizzz*

PS: masih ada satu buah naga di kulkas. bisa diapain coba? *btw, bisa tahan berapa lama ya*

So...

2010-12-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

So, this is how it feels. I though I would be jumping up and down. It turns out there's a hint of sad as well. No hoopla is needed. Just the fact that my contribution is appreciated is more than enough. It is (and was) perhaps a comfort zone already, a comfy cubicle/hideout.

Okay big world, let's see what you have next. Hopefully, I am still worth something out there. If not, I will just bake.

i like

2010-12-16T22:54:00.000-08:00

i like to put on my headphones and disappear.

weird

2010-12-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

if i were the big boss, certainly you wouldn't say "buatin ini deh mbak" and you would scan the document that i asked because although you're busy, i am also trying to meet the target and unfortunately i do not have a scanner. blame that to the intitution.

me want

2010-12-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

i want to drop by at the ranch market and buy that wheat croissant with butter that taste so good. or even better, buy the copycat from breadtalk which costs 7thousands -- yes, even that is a lot more cheaper than the ranch market version (but not so butterry).

i want the portugese eggtart from goldenegg bakery. this one is 5thousands. and too heavenly. and remind me a bit about those ays going to malls with mum.

i want bakmi GM's pangsit goreng.

i want bakmi ayam abang2 which i know is not good and strictly forbidden.

and so, i ponder and observe how the my budget for food has skyrocketed and perhaps this is indeed not the best times to go calculation my expenses. i also realize that beside facebook, i open delivery meals websites in my so called sparetime.

now, for the not so superficial.

i want a haircut.

i want a backrub and creambath amidst the age of time is no longer at my company.

i want to stay positive whenever i can. despite of people's comment and stories.

i want to enjoy and be happy through every processes in life and i am just so lucky to feel so so far (thus, i have the bliss ignorance of writing a blog that is entirely 'me' and 'i').

oh yes, i want him and future it to be happy always.

last week.

2010-12-02T04:53:00.000-08:00

Last week we listen to the band that sang in our wedding. We tried to remember the exact songs that they sang.
Tonight I was going through our wedding pics and can't help feeling grateful that I followed a friend's advice to hire the best make-up and photographer because that's the best way to preserve memory. and your going to be looking at wedding pics for years.
And now I was just thinking that I am so lucky. And that I hope Saturday is coming soon, because it is interesting that two people that see each other at least 2 hours a day can still miss one another, terribly.

sometimes

2010-11-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

sometimes i think
i just had enough.

i simply want to focus on things worth focusing.

wonder

2010-11-12T00:35:00.000-08:00

i wonder what it meant when she called me out of the blue, talking about a bunch of possibilities that i can venture on. she firstly asked how was i, all healthy and all that. she then talked about things, the expected things, the important names that i can google, the institutions that are out there, the things that are out there (perhaps aside from those which i have tried over and over again without much success). i wonder if it means that more are expected for me, or perhaps she feels pity, perhaps is it just a friendly gesture, or perhaps i have turn so lazy beyond recognition. at the end she said that she's there if i need anything or want to ask anything, and she highlighted that i should take my time. and so, reminded a bit of the sadness that i have tried hard to set aside and complication that i choose not to think about, it was hard to not choked down the throat when i tried to assemble a thank you at the end of the conversation.

goody news [1]

2010-11-09T03:47:00.000-08:00

the baby just kick (or perhaps punch) just now. this time i can feel it in my tummy. :)

grudge

2010-11-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

Setelah hampir 8 jam comprehensive listening and talking whilst translating an article / accepting phonecalls / replying emails, I am now sitting on my mum's office, going through 17 or 18 outlines, due tomorrow morning -- only 3 done so far. I wanna say it's my fault to procastinate and being super slothy, but I think I deserve a shout out.

contemplate

2010-10-29T04:35:00.001-07:00

Today was the day to contemplate. To contemplate on the disasters that just occurred. To hope that there is still hope for the country. To realize that the answers perhaps lie on the eager eyes of the first year students that I see daily.

Today was the day to contemplate. To feel so low, only to bounce back higher again. To realize that I was being a snob and ungrateful. To regret thinking what I just thought and that she was right, that this time is not about me, it's about a new life. And that one text message was enough, and that one should be grateful because I have been given so much. Today I was reminded to not be snobbish and to see life in a wider range of options -- one that is beyond the facade of accomplishments. Perhaps not everybody gets it, and it's okay. Because what is mostly important is.. I get it.

Ponder [2]

2010-10-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

I once made an awful decision to share to my students that perhaps I have tried applying for scholarship 5 times, but haven't received any luck. My point back then was to motivate them and let them know that it's you yourself that decide whether you are good or not & that everything in life is journey to find what you good at -- aside from explaining that I do not acquire English from having living abroad, but simply learning it myself, and so they can do that too. It was a talk that I kinda regret up until now, because then one of them continuously asked why is it that I was not accepted -- a question that even I do not know the answer fully up until now.

So last night, waiting myself to fall into sleep, I could not help thinking another (annual) question that unconsciously keep on coming into mind every now and then, and that is, why is it after 5 years of continuous applying I still haven't had a chance to get a scholarship for my studies. This, unfortunately, includes opportunities that are supposedly given by own workplace. Being in the profession that I am, there is an automatic pressure and hope for people to continue their studies and achieve more and build their reputation as a this or that-grantee. And questions like, what aren't you studying abroad is as automatic as a what are you having for lunch. And for me, it stays as the most annoying questions of all (the studying one, not the lunch one).

I don't think that I am stupid, nor more stupid than those who had the opportunity of receiving a scholarship. And I most often came into the conclusion that at the end it's all about faith and luck -- similar to the answer of why am I still living at my parents' house and was at home when my mom almost got a stroke. Though it often does not seem fair that some people whose CVs are perhaps not specific enough, not showing enough participation in conferences or never even give any contribution (but simply disappears) as they return to their home country, can receive such delightful opportunity; I simply tried my best to think that right now that is not the gift that is determined for me. And I tried my best to think about the other things I managed to achieve, countries I visited by free, people I've met, publication, and other blessings -- which include holding my husband's hand at night.

Then I wonder again, is it true that I am not stupid or that I can turn to the happiness of having my family next to me. One time ago, during an all-girls talk, a friend throw it on the table that is it true that women who got married becomes stupid -- and yes, that was the exact words. A more feminist friend of mine (who just got married) agreed. Simply because many wives put themselves second or willing to sacrifice things for the family. I was rather resistant and choose to say that I am not stupid because everything I do, I do it consciously. And again who's to say that career will make you happier than your family. If you are living alone, but have an amazing career, will you still feel contend -- people will have various answer and all of them are okay. So the last question becomes, what makes you happy? Not an easy one I know. And people can give an answer of A to Z, and all will be correct. I myself have switch from one thing to another -- from having my own bakery, to simply my family, but interestingly, receiving a scholarship was never fully there. It goes in and out because for me, it is just a professional development -- one that I can earn and achieve in different ways. And to be happy, I do not need other people's approval or acknowledgment or them saying that I am not stupid.

Sebuah pembicaraan malam hari.

2010-10-14T02:56:00.000-07:00

Karena di kampusku mayoritas perempuan, D mengusulkan untuk datang jadi salah satu tamu, modelnya career day-nya anak-anak bule. Lalu kubilang, nanti bisa jadi acara kuis "tebaklah pekerjaan saya". Dan kataku, pertanyaan mereka bisa begini...

Apakah anda bekerja malam hari?
Ya

Apakah anda bekerja menurut pesanan?
Ya

Apakah anda bekerja dengan menggerak-gerakkan tangan?
Ya

Apakah anda banyak melihat selebriti?
Ya

Jawabannya: Tukang joget!

Lalu D bilang aku juga tukang joget karena aku bekerja ditonton banyak orang. Hehe.

noted [4]

2010-10-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

sudah 170 gram.
ajaib.

I miss

2010-10-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

I miss crappy kebab stalls with food that tastes better than donner kebab
I miss lying around on the bed at night or late afternoons pondering at God-knows-what
I miss not being ambitious (if ever such day existed in the past)
I (kinda) miss my mentor
I miss having the freedom to not think too much
I miss not having to worry whether I have read A or B
I miss going to movies in the theaters
I (kinda) miss driving, determining myself where I want to go and when
I miss going to film festivals, hunting with the freebie team
I miss people

ponder

2010-10-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

really lazy these days. i am so scared to disappoint people because of that. i want my days off back!

noted [6]

2010-09-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

humm... really miss my mom. i wish i can just go home rite now.

noted [5]

2010-09-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

I hope people will forgive me if i stay lazy.

noted [4]

2010-09-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

Dear self-worth, i know you're in there. Somewhere.

babysitting

2010-09-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

with the mbak going back home, i spend more time with nieces and nephew, just helping around. dressing them up after baths, etc. but if they have a bathroom call, i will call their mum or their mbak. hihihi. it's quite fun. oh my, they can express themselves very fluently. many almost fights between the sisters. but that's what siblings are for i guess.

noted [3]

2010-09-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

rasa mual sekarang menyambangi setiap sejam-dua jam sekali. mungkin setelah ini, the nausea chart will go down *fingers crossed*

finding [1]

2010-09-01T05:43:00.000-07:00

Biasanya kalau ke toko buah, saya bingung: mengapa da berbagai jenis apel? They are all read and the same, except for the price. Jadi saya selalu berakhir di apel Fuji karena gedhe dan murah. Tapi saya jarang makan apel, jadi gak tahu juga yang dikirim bingkisan itu suka atau nggak.

Hari ini saya tahu kalau apel memang berbeda. The washington-one memang pernah ada TVC-nya, and you would think that they are good. Kalau memang suka ukuran kecil, ini bisa dipilih tapi sumpeh, kagak crunchy ataupun manis. Semakin ke tengah semakin sulit digigit. Fuji lebih crunchy, dan memang gede. Tapi gak terlalu manis. Jadi, hari ini saya sudah menemukan apel terenak, hear ye hear ye, yaitu apel royal gala (NZ--i suppose). Manis, pun crunchy, dan bisa dimakan sampe ke tengah2nya (bisa sisa biji doang dan tangkai kayaknya). This food sensitivity is intriguing and beneficial.

Next hunt: good grapes!

emotions emotions

2010-08-24T23:05:00.000-07:00

i shed a tear during the el-manik's version of adzan, and the pertamina commercial before bedug. and the finale was last night during a nite valentine's day movie. perhaps i should balance things out with freddy krueger or something.

noted [2]

2010-08-24T23:02:00.001-07:00

growing chubbier and chubbier with life.

noted

2010-08-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

feeling rather flowy and un-here.

don't know

2010-08-24T03:01:00.000-07:00

don't know what to do
don't know what to expect
trips to doctor's office are always nerve-wrecking
trying so hard to be positive
like what people said
but sometimes, i hope that people don't only say,
but simply be there

lastest story

2010-08-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

after a nauseous taxi ride and rain and trafficky Sudirman, i has the best dinner ever. pepper lunch at senayan city with a hot sweet tea from dabu-dabu. all worth it. i was going to go with the rice and beef, but my heart went to the hamburger steak anyway (as usual) and i don't regret staying in the comfort zone for one bit. it has been awhile since i last taste a meal that good. my tongue tastes things rather different lately. after that, a hot chocolate milk scenario at the coffee bean.

but then, i took a wrong medicine last night and could not sleep well thinking about it. i hope the fetus is okay. it really reminded me that i am just human with no such control, and a bigger power is at play. i can only pray and tried my best and hopefully s/he is okay. urgh, this just adds more nervousness for the tuesday's doctor's visit.

this morning, laziness as usual. but, i was not nauseous like yesterday. i tried calling d, because i was just a bit afraid if this is not a good sign due to last night's medicine scene. i can't believe that i missed being all weird in the tummy, simply because it makes me more sure that everything's okay. now it's nine am and (thankfully) i feel rather nausceous already. hopefully things are good. and i just missed him so much.

the yes

2010-08-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

i was sitting in front of my PC for minutes and minutes trying to put words together, but then sentences intertwined, words got jumbled, and i remember that no human language can master how grateful and happy i am to have a fellow earthling like you.

though we always wanted to create together a masterpiece, a story, a legend, a feast for the eyes one and only animation, we had never guessed that a bigger, more priceless, more grand masterpiece is on the making. graciously blessed for us.

the not's

2010-08-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

santan (yang gooey dan gurih, terbayang gudeg tiba2), seafood (but i think bandeng slipped under the list), kacang2an (and yet they recommend me to eat bubur kacang ijo.. weird), MSG ( they told me in regular life, this is already forbidden), noddle (ibid), mutton/kambing/domba/biri-biri (oh my ol time favorite!), sup kaki (automatically, they said, i still demand a logic behind this).

even beef tastes a bit weird nowadays. and yesterday a too salty cheese omelette was hard to swallow. so hopefully in upcoming future i don't eat too much chicken and grow chicken wings under my armpits. and oh, pancake and dessert (thank god) stay good.

o'o

2010-08-13T01:06:00.000-07:00

saya pikir ibu hamil itu akan berbagi cinta ke mana-mana, di tengah taman penuh bunga.
nyatanya, saya bitchy berat, tambah judes, dan kalau pagi ingin makan orang.

semoga ini normal.

wonder [1]

2010-07-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

wondering why i blog less lately?

is it because it is now less cool than facebook or twitter.
is it because i have less things to shout about
now that life is too good to be true.

is it bacause my creative juices have gone dormant (due to adult routine, lack of imaginazition, or mere laziness)

such and such 2

2010-07-22T01:01:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the workload. I just want you to know that I can slack off too, at any given time I decided on.

I want my ol time idling around in front my PC (or in front of my TV) back!

talk 1

2010-07-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

A: So how is it going?
B: Perhaps it's the depression and budget cuts, guess they no longer have money. (switching everything to the crisis)
A: Oh, really? No, i guess you will just have to wait a while.
B: (sorry to let her know, that she is actually not waiting for anything, and perhaps not as eager to find out how things will turn out)

apologetic

2010-05-29T01:21:00.000-07:00

so sorry.
if i'm simply passionless right now.

teriakan no.1

2010-05-14T17:34:00.000-07:00

I give love and care to everything I do. Every single word and support, I meant that. So do understand if I hate being fooled and, even in the slightest chance, lied to. And do understand that I do have feelings, and can feel dissapointment, because again I give love and care to everything I do.

as usual

2010-04-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

as usual. the drama queen blows things out of proportion. it was very 2012.

you

2010-04-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

you
are where i found my refuge

so, save me